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by Jaz James
As parents, it can be challenging to see your adult child make decisions you may disagree with, especially regarding big life choices like their career, relationships, or lifestyle. After years of guiding and protecting them, stepping back and allowing them to navigate their path can feel unfamiliar and even unsettling. However, maintaining a loving and supportive relationship is essential, even when you disagree.
Start With Love, Not Judgment
When addressing difficult topics with your adult child, it’s important to start with love rather than judgment. Remind yourself that your love for your child is the foundation of your relationship. Approach conversations with a desire to understand, not to criticize. For example, you might say, “I love you, and I want to understand more about why this choice feels right for you.” Resist the urge to immediately share your concerns or opinions. Instead, give your child space to explain their perspective without interruption. Listening first shows respect and lets them know you value their thoughts. Open-ended questions like “Can you tell me more about why this is important to you?” or “What made you decide to take this path?” can encourage dialogue and mutual understanding.
Acknowledge Their Independence
It’s natural to want to guide your child, but it’s important to acknowledge that they are now adults making their own decisions. Recognizing their independence demonstrates that you trust their ability to choose their path. A statement like, “I know you’re an adult and capable of making your own decisions. I trust that you’ve thought about this carefully,” can reinforce their autonomy while maintaining your supportive role.
If you feel the need to share concerns, do so with care and in a constructive, non-judgmental way. Avoid framing your concerns around your preferences or expectations. Instead, express your desire to see them happy and fulfilled. For instance, you might say, “I just want to make sure this decision brings you the happiness and security you’re looking for.” Avoid comments that could create tension, such as “Why can’t you be more like…” or “I would have never done that at your age.” Instead, focus on understanding your child’s unique perspective and goals.
Express Your Concerns with Care
It’s okay to share your feelings, but do so without placing blame or guilt. Use “I” statements to keep the conversation open and non-confrontational. For example, you might say, “I’m having a hard time understanding this choice, but I want to support you as best as I can.” Even if you don’t agree with their decision, offering unconditional support can strengthen your relationship. Let them know you’re there for them, no matter what. A simple statement like, “I may not fully understand, but I’m here for you if you need me,” can provide reassurance.
As a parent of an adult child, it’s important to recognize that your role has shifted from decision-maker to adviser and supporter. Embrace this new dynamic by offering guidance only when it’s welcomed and allowing your child to take the lead in their decisions. If you’re struggling to accept their choices, take time to reflect, pray, or seek counsel. Finding peace within yourself can help you approach the situation with more grace and understanding. No matter how the conversation goes, remind your child that your love for them is unconditional. Reassurances like, “I may not have all the answers, but I’ll always love you and be here for you,” can go a long way in keeping the lines of communication open.
Final Thoughts
Navigating these conversations isn’t always easy, but with patience, understanding, and a commitment to love above all else, you can maintain a strong, healthy relationship with your adult child—even when you don’t see eye to eye. If you’ve faced similar challenges, feel free to share your thoughts or experiences in the comments. Your story could encourage another parent walking the same path.
Jaz James is the director of Strip Church and founder of Lace Warriors, a strip club ministry that currently serves over 300 entertainers in West Texas and Northern Mexico.